walking in grey.
a torn between black and white.20031119
itz juz another day of my live... i shall leave and not cry...
5 Golden rules in finding Mr/Ms Right
A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the
prospects of long-term success. When it comes to making the decision
about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet,
with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent,it appears that many are
making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,
they'll say "We're in love". I believe is the #1 mistake people make
when they date.
Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone). Though
this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth here.
Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the
result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then
the love will come.
Let me say it again:
"You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot
more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're
serious about finding and keeping a life partner..."
QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married
for 20 or 30 yrs, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you
plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together?
You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a
common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can
grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart.
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life -
bottom line - and marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with
this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The
basis of having good communication is trust,ie. trust that I won't get
"punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you
feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with
yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the
person you plan to marry.
QUESTION #3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can
you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth
on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A
teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving
to be good and do the right thing".
So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time?
Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not
someone whose top priority is character refinement. There're essentially
2 types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal
growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose
goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of
doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is
the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another
person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to
others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people
whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi
driver, etc. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have
gratitude and appreciation? Do they show respect?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them
everything, you cannot expect that they'll have gratitude for you-who
can't do nearly as much for them! Do they gossip and speak badly about
others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You
can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat
you poorly as well.
QUESTION #5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person
after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention
of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of
mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage...
for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they
are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
--------------------------
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.The
keyis to try leading a little more with your head and less with your
heart.
It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure
toask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in
love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger,
you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your
homework.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have
in your life that really counts..
5 Golden rules in finding Mr/Ms Right
A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the
prospects of long-term success. When it comes to making the decision
about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet,
with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent,it appears that many are
making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,
they'll say "We're in love". I believe is the #1 mistake people make
when they date.
Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone). Though
this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth here.
Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the
result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then
the love will come.
Let me say it again:
"You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot
more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're
serious about finding and keeping a life partner..."
QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married
for 20 or 30 yrs, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you
plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together?
You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a
common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can
grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart.
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life -
bottom line - and marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with
this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The
basis of having good communication is trust,ie. trust that I won't get
"punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you
feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with
yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the
person you plan to marry.
QUESTION #3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can
you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth
on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A
teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving
to be good and do the right thing".
So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time?
Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not
someone whose top priority is character refinement. There're essentially
2 types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal
growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose
goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of
doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is
the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another
person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to
others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people
whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi
driver, etc. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have
gratitude and appreciation? Do they show respect?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them
everything, you cannot expect that they'll have gratitude for you-who
can't do nearly as much for them! Do they gossip and speak badly about
others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You
can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat
you poorly as well.
QUESTION #5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person
after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention
of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of
mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage...
for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they
are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
--------------------------
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.The
keyis to try leading a little more with your head and less with your
heart.
It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure
toask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in
love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger,
you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your
homework.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have
in your life that really counts..
